Yan Nigeria
We recently asked the married women of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us the “hardest parts” of marriage that no one talks about. Here’s what they had to say:
1. “The loneliness, sacrifice, losing yourself, not having an emotionally available or emotionally intelligent partner, and lack of empathy/sympathy. Being told, ‘This is who I am,’ without a willingness to grow, learn, and become a more well-rounded individual. Why the hell am I still married?”
2. “My ex kept a clean house and was an excellent cook. I was smitten and thought I had found my soulmate. However, the moment that ring was on my finger, I became his personal maid. I deeply resented his clothing strewn around the house because cleaning was ‘women’s work’ after the wedding.”
3. “Married almost 40 years. Great, supportive husband. Helped me pursue my career. Helped parent. Good provider. Great lover. Kids are great; they still like us as adults. Career was fine. It was me. It IS me. I still don’t feel like I was good enough. A good enough wife. A good enough mother.”
“I feel guilty with how great the kids are because I still feel I should have been able to do better. Hah! And I didn’t have Instagram trad wives to compare myself.”
4. “Married for 12 years to someone I was friends with for 10 years before we started dating. We were in the same friends circle in college and started dating after we’d graduated. Let me tell you something: KIDS CHANGE EVERYTHING. Even having all of this history with my husband, he became a different person once he became a dad. He’s a great dad but became a garbage husband once the kids came along. He used to be nice — now, he snaps over anything, but only at me.”
“He gives so much grace to everyone else; the handyman, his coworkers, friends, mailman, etc. — none for me. It’s hard because you want to be here for the kids, but your emotions take a hit constantly when you’ve got young kids”
5. “The hardest part was rediscovery and redefining my relationship with my spouse and my relationship with myself upon becoming empty nesters. People rarely talk about, share, or prepare you for the adjustment during this phase of your married life. Additionally, as a newly retired individual — my husband has been retired for several years — there is another adjustment period with yet another need to rediscover and redefine yourself and your spousal relationship.”
“We’ve worked hard to weather these changes and have successfully navigated the waypoints in our journey, but I wish we had some foreknowledge of the journey somewhere along the way.”
6. “We’re pretty happy; we laugh at the same things, and there’s a lot of camaraderie, but sometimes, I don’t feel listened to. We have a ‘loud house’ in that my husband is a talker and likes to bring up whatever’s on his mind the moment it pops into his head. I could be pooping, and I’ll hear, ‘Honey! Are you there? I want to tell you something!’ It’s a lot. Sometimes, when I need to talk to HIM, getting his attention is hard because his head is so busy. I feel kind of ignored, even though I know it’s not his intention.”
“I’ll say, ‘Please stop right there and listen to me now.’ He’ll apologize, and I’ll say what I need to. Our modes of communication are pretty different, but it’s a work in progress.”
7. “Being the one in the family to be the catch-all and making sure everything gets done. My husband legitimately believes he does 50% of the housework. More like 5%! I’ve tried several times to tell him I need help and support (we moved across the country to be with his family, who, for various reasons, can’t provide us support, and away from my family, who would’ve provided us support). It’ll get better for a week before he reverts to his normal ways.”
“This has been the one big thing we argue and fight about — and it makes me question the marriage altogether.”
8. “When you hate your husband, feel trapped, and everyone assumes everything is fine. When you’re married, you build so much of your life with someone that trying to leave feels impossible. Financially, I’m stuck. One thing that I’ve realized is that we assume an unhappy marriage has to be outright abusive, but I think more often, it’s complacent.”
“I know so many women who are staying in unhappy marriages because it’s too difficult to get out. They’re deeply unhappy but complacent. Marriage shouldn’t be miserable.”
9. “No one tells you that you can potentially marry several different people when you say I do. As the years pass, that person will evolve into several different people — especially if you marry young like I did. Personalities are forming; goals are changing. In the end, the person may become totally different from the one you married. You may also be different. This is currently happening in my marriage.”
“Luckily for me and my partner, we are soulmates and have embraced the new people we have become/becoming.”
11. “No one tells you that marriage is not about love and that walking away is okay. I was married young, 24, and had been with my then-husband for eight years before we became engaged and married. No, he never hit me, he never cussed me out, but he did financially and emotionally abuse me. I dealt with that for six years, even going to therapy because I thought I was the problem. Then, one day, literally a week after our anniversary, I snapped and decided I was done.”
“No one tells you that when your partner is intentionally hurting you in any way, they broke the vows first. I had stayed because I thought I was the problem when, really, it was him, too.”
12. “The hardest part is the feeling of ‘they’re gonna get bored of me.'”
13. “I was married for 19 years of 22 together, and I’m now in a loving, supportive relationship for two years. The hardest part of any close relationship is accepting and communicating that you might not always be on the same page — even if your goals are the same. My ex and I used to let everything fester for days/weeks and sometimes never really talk about it. Then, we would have a blowup, and nothing would get solved.”
“Now, my boyfriend and I have communicated what needs to happen when we are upset; I need to go for a walk to sort my thoughts, and he needs to dive into a project. We give ourselves a couple of hours to think, and then, we come together and talk, not argue, and resolve or make a plan to resolve. If it’s close to bedtime, we hug, hold hands in bed, and agree to talk the next day. Advice: Don’t nag, get defensive, or be aggressive with your opinions and expectations. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes, treat them respectfully, like someone at work, and seek to understand.”
14. “I was married to my best friend for 25 and a half years down to the day. I believe that the significance of ‘in sickness and in health’ can be very hard to grasp until you are in a battle to keep the love of your life alive. My husband was a Type 1 diabetic. I thought I had everything handled with handling low blood sugar events and other issues until his kidneys failed.”
“This started a journey of transplants (I was able to give him my kidney in 2019 after his original transplant kidney rejected, but his transplanted pancreas was still doing well at that point) and eventual rejection. I fought to do everything possible to keep him alive after he was deemed too fragile for a third transplant. My husband passed away on February 29. I still can’t believe he’s gone. We fought so hard.”
15. “The hardest part was being young and naive when we got married. My husband is a lot older than me; I was young but financially very independent, and we married quickly after we met. I didn’t think to ask the hard questions, mostly about finances and past decisions he made that would come to haunt my and my future children’s lives forever. He also has an ex that turned out to be wilder than he led on and caused some major stress for the first seven to eight years of our marriage that I was ill-prepared for.”
“Things are calmer now. We’ve definitely weathered some storms, and the financial stuff is still an issue we are dealing with after 13 years. If I could go back and warn my younger self about what was ahead, I don’t think I would do it. I love my children more than anything, and they are the greatest part of my life, so I’m glad I didn’t know. I never would have agreed to all the ‘surprises’ I’ve had in my marriage because I didn’t take the time to thoroughly learn what I was getting into.”
16. “I lost my husband two years ago after his leukemia diagnosis. The hardest part for me is the loss. I don’t understand when people say marriage is hard and takes work because mine did not. He was in law enforcement for over 30 years and helped countless people daily. After his passing, I married a kind soul who is still taking care of me daily.”
“I truly hope I’m not in the minority who don’t feel marriage is hard. Mine was a joy, filled with laughter and compassion.”
19. “Plain and simple: Taking care of an additional child, and by that, I mean a man-child. Before I had my own children, I didn’t even recognize I had a man-child. I started comparing behavior. I realize I’m raising an adult who will never grow up.”
20. “If you have children, you’re pretty much always the adult in charge. My husband is great and a very active parent, but my kids automatically just steamroll right past him to ask me everything — all the time. I’m expected to fully immerse myself in every detail of our children’s lives. What day is the big test? Who is mad at who right now and why? When is the deadline for X event? What classes are required for graduation? Just ALL the things, ALL the time.”
“I also have to absorb everyone’s emotional burdens 24/7. It’s exhausting.”
And finally…
21. “Different rates of growth. I can’t even count how often I felt we were on diverging paths. We’ve been married 10 years, and I feel like we only now have enough of an understanding of each other and enough historical data not to think things are hopeless and that the marriage was a waste every time we’re on different wavelengths.”
“We’re not always going to have the same goals, interests, or values sometimes, but it doesn’t mean that the other has to change ‘like right now’ or things are over. Learning to be happy with ourselves as individuals and to support each other even when we feel disconnected is crucial, and it took a long time to realize that being on different pages doesn’t mean the love is gone.”
